I LIKE MONKEYS
The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought
that odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided not
to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.
I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His
name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really
bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed.
Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing.
I hearded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their
new environment. They would screach, hurl themselves off of the couch
at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first,
the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.
Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive:
they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped dead.
Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later.�
Damn cheap monkeys.
I don't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over
my room,on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked
like I had 200 throw rugs. I tried to flush one down the toilet. It
didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199
dead, dry monkeys.
I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked
for a while, that is untill they began to decompose. It started to
smell real bad. I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet
and I didn't want to call the plumber. I was embarresed.
I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunatley,
there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change
them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer
so it didn't all go bad.
I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had
to extinguish the fire.� Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet,
two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys
in a pile on my bed. The odor wasn't improving.
I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to
use the bathroom. I severley beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.
I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said that the city
was not allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I
had a wet one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking
about the frozen ones.
I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts.
My friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they
liked them but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So, I punched
them in the genitals.
I like monkeys
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